Navel-Gazing In The Fast Lane

$680 is a LOT of money. 

I have now paid it TWICE. 

To my trainer.

My trainer charges $85 a session, and I take one session a week.  You have to buy 8-week packages and you pay up front. That’s a total of $1,360.00 so far. I have been with him for 9 weeks, paid him $ $1,360.00, and to date I have lost five - count ‘em - FIVE measley pounds. 

That comes out to TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY TWO DOLLARS A POUND. The fact that that’s also the basically the going rate on Ostreta Caviar isn’t much comfort.

According to our suction-happy friends over at Liposuction.com $1,360.00 is also basically the going rate on lipo for the butt, hips/waist, back, or thighs, which are exactly the areas where I most need to lose weight. 

Of course, those are also exactly the areas that, when combined, comprise the entire human body (with the exception of the head and arms), but shut up, that’s not my point.

You may think this is a rant about having an uneffective or overpriced trainer.  It isn’t.  The only person who is wasting my money here is me.  Why?  Because just going to see him once a week simply isn’t sufficient, no one ever said it would be, and I haven’t done enough othwerwise to make his work with me really pay off.  Literally. 

Things have been rough for me this summer, and that has impacted my availability and willingness to focus on myself, and I’m not going to beat myself up about it too much.  Since starting with the trainer 8 weeks ago my Grandmother died, my best friend moved away, our beloved dog died, my parent’s (any my childhood) home got washed away by Hurricane Ike, there have been struggles at home for my husband and I, and throughout it I have also had more work on my plate than ever.

On good weeks, I have spent a total of 3-4 hours in the gym. On bad ones, one or two.  I have been very conscientous about not snacking or eating ANY junk food, but on some of those weeks I had several drinks (under the circumstances that’s no shock to anyone, I am sure), and I haven’t been strict about what my meals were made of.  For someone with my metabolism even just some butter or cheese or fatty meats or salad dressing or oils or white carbs or ANYthing that isn’t 100% lean and clean just cancels out the physical work.  Slacking off on careful control of what I eat means the most I can achieve is to barely break even and not GAIN weight - and I still have to sweat like a pig just to achieve THAT.  It is so disheartening to drag your depressed ass to the gym, clamber onto that treadmill and sweat and push yourself for the lame reward of squishing BACK into those same damn size 12’s that sent you to the gym in the first place.

As I stare at my not-much-smaller ass and my VERY-much-smaller wallet, I have to ask myself what exactly do I think I’m worth?

Obviously I thought it was worth it to pay $85 an hour to be coached and guided and motivated.  So why would I turn around and blow it by eating too much and being lazy about excercise?

I wouldn’t spend $85 on a blouse and then use it to wash dishes.  I sure as HELL wouldn’t spent $1,360.00 on a blouse and do anything BUT pack it in tissue and rabbit punch anyone who so much as threatened to sneeze within a mile of it.  So why would I spend that kind of money on my future and not protect it just as adamantly?

The thing that really got me was catching sight of my reflection in the mirror at the hairdresser’s on Wednesday.  It’s really the only time most of us will ever sit in a chair in front of a full length mirror and really see how we look in that position.   You can’t suck in your tummy when you’re folded at the waist, or arch your back, or drop your shoulders, or turn your hips, or do any of the little tricks we do to look slimmer.  It was just me there, my thighs spread all out, my boobs resting gently on my belly roll… a real vision of loveliness… 

But the actual “WTF??!!” moment occured when I suddenly had the total awareness of the ridiculousness of what I was doing…  I was not at the salon for a haircut -  I just got one a week ago, and it’s pretty cute, all things considered.  No, I was there to talk to the stylist about getting hair extensions because I had the idea that longer hair around my face will mask my jowls and double chin and make me look thinner.  These hair extensions, mind you, will cost me $460 FOR STARTERS and require lots of pricey maintenance on TOP of the usual money I spend for cutting and coloring my actual hair. 

You guys are pretty smart so I’m sure you can already see where this is headed…

We’ll start with the math. 

$1,360.00 for the trainer, $60 a month for the gym itself,  $40 a month for the spray-tan (…oh yeah, of COURSE I do that too - haven’t you heard that being tanner helps you look thinner?  Feel free to roll your eyes now…), plus $460 for some fake hair, and just for fun lets add the $200 I spent at Nike last week on even more workout clothes. 

I have spent a little over $2,000 JUST THIS MONTH ALONE on “efforts” to look better.

But I didn’t go to the gym EVERY DAY, as I know I have to in order to lose fat and gain muscle.  I didn’t control my portions or eliminate fatty and high-carb foods from my diet.  I had alcohol.  I didn’t sleep enough.  I didn’t do ANY of the things that will ACTUALLY affect how I look and feel.

I spent a crapload of money on external things without making the internal commitment to doing the other - FREE - things that would make that investment worthwhile.   And if you’re wondering - NO, my husband and I are far from wealthy.  This isn’t “disposable” income I’m using - its just income.

The hair extensions will be pretty, sure.  But they won’t make me look thinner.  Nice hair isn’t going to make me happier about the size 12 jeans, or reduce my risk of diabetes, or increase my cardiovascular health, or fool anyone.  I’ll just be an overweight chick with nice hair. hurrah.

I do look better with some color to my skin, and the fake tan masks my normal fishbelley-white, randomly freckled, veins aglow coloration - but looking healthier isn’t the same as being or feeling healthier.   It just makes me an overweight chick who is unnaturally brown for a Midwesterner in October.  hurrah.

I do feel more motivated with my trainer and I know that thanks to him I am getting more out of the excercises I’m doing - when I do them - but without using those sessions as merely an anchor for a wider, JUST as committed full regimen of diet and excercise I may as well just take my $1,360.00 and line the cat pan with it. hurrah.

So, class, our Economics 101 Lesson For The Day is about investment.  When it comes to health and fitness and weight loss, monetary investment without personal investment to back it up is worthless.  No, worse that that - Monetary investment without personal investment to back it up doesn’t just get you zero returns, it gets you NEGATIVE returns.

No one’s coming with a bailout for me - I’m going to have to back this loan to myself, myself. 

However, I can assure all of you that I am implementing a series of strict new regulations and oversights and expect very soon to see (much like the current national economy) an ongoing downward spiral in my…er …assets, in the very near future.