Navel-Gazing In The Fast Lane

…rather than living to eat, has made for an amazingly freeing week. 

On some level, I can’t really take credit for it, as I didn’t make a decision to DO anything other than to heed the advice of my new book and STOP whenever I felt like going to the kitchen, and take the time to check in with myself and identify whether or not I was really feeling physical hunger/thirst or if something far more insidious was motivating me.   

I thought it was going to be more of a struggle, but the fact is that the moment I accepted the truth - that I have been allowing myself to be controlled like a puppet and driven to eat by insecurities and self-sabotages that have NO place in my life - they suddenly stopped having such a hold on me.   Whatever that is - that ugly little voice that keeps reminding you about the cookies in the back of the cupboard and tells you just one won’t hurt, or that you’ll probably never lose the weight anyway… and, more importantly, whatever it is that allows you to just check out while you stuff the empty calories down, as if this wasn’t something being done right now TO you BY you - just up and left the building.

A slightly troubling thing I’ve noticed about this new mindset is that I have a very diminished appetite in general.  If I had to pinpoint what’s behind that, I’d say I’m a little mistrustful of any impulse to eat.  After so many years of reacting to ANY stimulus by eating, my wiring is a little confused, and lately I find myself not eating until my stomach is really growling.  Not such a bad thing, considering that’s the whole POINT of being designed with a stomach that growls - but I am aware that I need to be very on the ball about eating promptly, healthily, and sufficiently when I DO feel hunger.

I know that a lot of the habit of mindless eating is just that - habit - and I believe that every day I go without endorsing that habit is a step towards permanently breaking that habit, but whether or not I stay in this very empowering mindset forever remains to be seen.    For the moment I feel very blessed that - however it happened - I’m getting the chance to so clearly FEEL the difference between eating as a biological (but still pleasureable) function, and eating as a psychological, and ultimately damaging function.

On a slightly different topic - my trainer commented at Monday’s session that he’s starting to see some physical changes.  They’re small, but they’re there.  I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been staring fixedly at me while I twist and turn in VERY (not always deliberately) form-fitting clothes would see it… my husband hasn’t said anything yet, for instance… but that one small sentence out of Mr. Gomez’s mouth practically made me cry from happiness.   It certainly inspired me to go - at long last - and take the Waterworkout class I and my too-small bathing suit have been avoiding. 

The workout was tough, but it was really fun to be in the pool, and I liked both just being in the water and the fact that basically, all anyone can see is your head, so I wasn’t as self-conscious as I sometimes am in classes.  I can’t ever catch my reflection in ballet class without inadvertently making a face of disgust, and it takes some of the joy out of it for me — but in the pool we’re all bouyant little water nymphs, and if I had to stop at Sportmart on the way home and buy a new swimsuit in a bigger size that won’t ride up my butt quite so painfully next week, well, that’s just for me and my Buddyslim buds to know.

My husband’s company is having a thing at the pub tomorrow to celebrate a big project they were awarded, and of course I have no less than THREE backyard barbecues to get through over Labor Day weekend - but I’m not worried. 

I’m AWARE, I’m MINDFUL, and I’m going to have to stay very engaged to make sure I don’t allow myself to slip into old habits in the face of all that high-calorie booze and grub…  but the fact is that one cookie WILL hurt, I WILL lose the weight if I don’t give in to self-sabotage or false doubts, and the only thing, the only person who can derail my having a healthier, more effective future is ME.   

THAT’S the voice I have to listen to.  The damn cookies will just have to find someone else to whisper to.