Navel-Gazing In The Fast Lane

Quite frankly, I’m super annoyed that I’m starting this weight loss commitment on day one of the new year.  It smacks of being a “New Year’s Resolution,” which - as we all know - is about the flimsiest contract since Britney and K-Fed’s prenup. 

And considering I’m not merely starting, but starting OVER, gives it that extra whiff of sad-sack “here we go again” pathos.

On the other hand, there is something satisfying about the idea of having the 01/01 ”fresh start.”  If you ignore the fact that calendars are almost completely arbitrary, and Jan 1st is only the “new year” to non-Chinese, Assyrian, Muslim, and Jewish people - and even THAT’s only been true for less than 260 years.  In 153 B.C. The Romans moved the new year from March (Spring Solstice) to Jan. 1,  but it wasn’t officially set there by the Julian calendar until 46 B.C..  Then it was eradicated in the Middle Ages because of its ties to paganism, and only re-established (by Pope Gregory XIII - to coincide with Christmas) in 1582. But the Jan. 1 date still wasn’t adopted in some places, including the United States, until 1752.  256 years ago.

Now, wasn’t that educational? And you thought we were just going to talk about my fat ass. 

But, about my fat ass…   MAN, is it fat. SOOOoooooooooooo fat.   And all because I neglected and ignored it.  I didn’t have to neglect and ignore it.  I could have taken it to the gym regularly, given it interesting excercises to do, fed it things that didn’t spatter it with those ever-so-attractive cellulite bumps, and generally treated it with the love and respect that my one-and-only, always-there-for-me, together-for-life ass deserves.  But I didn’t.

Well, I did for awhile.  Starting about this time in 2006, I went to the gym and watched my portions and avoided junky candy and chips and booze and such, and by summer I had taken it from a 155 lb ass all the way down to a 130 lb ass.  And I must say, it was looking pretty ok at that point.  It wasn’t anything you’d wanna show the kids, but it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, either.  It did all sorts of marvellous things like go to ballet class, run a 12-minute mile, fit into my favorite jeans… fit into my favorite chairs… things were going great.

And then I made the BIG mistake.  The same mistake I made in 1988 when I worked my ass from 130 down to 110.  The same mistake I made in 1998 when I worked my ass from 139 down to 112.  And the same mistake I made in 2000 when I worked my ass from 140 down to 125. 

I thought to myself, “Whew! Well, you’ve done it! You lost the weight! You’re ‘that girl’ now! You’re fit and healthy! Congratulations - you’re finished!”

And I slacked off going to the gym, I slacked off watching what I ate, I slacked off making intelligent choices, I slacked off staying conscious of what I was doing to my body and what my body was doing because of it.  I just ignored the facts - rather, the FACT - that I can make changes my body will adjust to, but I can’t change my body.

 In other words, my body will always be what it is - shorter, stockier, slower metabolism, prone to weight gain and fat retention, with a family history of diabetes and heart attack.  I can make choices that result in it being slimmer, stronger, and healthier, but I can’t suddenly become one of those people who can eat whatever they want, not excercise, and stay small and healthy (if such people really exist outside of the lies in fashion magazines) forever.

So, the lesson I have finally had to accept - I had LEARNED it already, as evidenced by the ups and downs of the scale throughout my life, I just refused to accept the FACTS of that lesson - is  that I WILL NEVER BE ‘FINISHED.’  I WILL NEVER BE ‘DONE.’  I can never say “Whew!”  I can only say ”Next challenge!”

I am now accepting and appreciating that there is no magic weight or end date when I stop working out, or stop being mindful of portions and nutrition, or abandon reason and consciousness and stuff my face (not to mention my ass) with useless crap, or do any of the 1,0001 myriad things I have done in the past that resulted in having to start over at starting over.

Maybe the idea of never being done sounds depressing to you - but I look at it this way - if I’m never done, then - thank GOD - I will never, never, NEVER have to “start over” again.  And really, is there ANYthing more depressing than our habit of ”starting over” AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and…

So, although I have more finite goals - like shedding about 30 useless pounds, and getting back to the activities I love - my overall “resolution” (I suppose we MUST use that word, mustn’t we?) is to make this the last “start” of my life.  To TRULY accept that to really succeed at this requires that there be no end to the process - and so I have to come to appreciate and love the process even more than the results.   

So, what better way to stay with the process than to log off, and head directly over to the gym?… None, you say?

How right you are.

Food Log

Exercise Log